Dear Son, This is (Not) How I Want You to Date
My precious boy,
You’re only a year old, and the only girl you have on your mind is your Mama. (And she’s ok to keep it that way.) Last night, your dad and I were reminiscing about our 12-year dating anniversary. Twelve years is a long time, and we’re stronger than ever. I hope you can have a happy relationship like this one day.
Now, while your Dad sets a great example in pretty much every area of life, I ask that you don’t date a girl like he did me. And if they let you, don’t marry them, because they have zero common sense and are likely not thinking straight because of your striking good looks.
Please don’t meet her on MySpace. She could be catfishing you, because she might not really look that good after a run. In fact, she probably looks like a hot sweaty mess with a purplish face. No girl runs with blonde wavy curls and posts a selfie. She surely is lying.
Please don’t ask her to call you. Even if it’s your birthday. If she’s a lady, she will require you to make the first call. She can text you Happy Birthday, but you make the first call. This is the one thing your Mama did right.
Please don’t pursue her when you find out she’s a Freshman and you’re a Senior. Her father will worry and the poor man just dropped her off at college to study, and I don’t mean studying boys.
Please don’t AIM her if she has a screen name like “OlE mIsS dAwLiN.” She obviously doesn’t know basic grammar and spelling. And please don’t AIM her roommate convincing her to date you, because her roommate may just be on your side.
Please don’t throw a rock at her bedroom window and scream “I love you!” for the first time. It may just kill her with embarrassment, or she may feel like a cheesy 90’s movie starlet.
Please don’t expect her to get in your vehicle when she’s never even met you in person. Sure, you might entice her with a free lunch, but she has surely lost her mind if she trusts a strange man in his pickup truck.
Please, oh dear please, don’t pursue this lunatic if she actually lets you drive her blindfolded at dark, then takes your hand as you lead her through uncharted territory to something called “the doorknob of the universe.” No matter how romantic everyone says it is, I taught you better than that and so did her parents. There are CRAZY people out there for goodness sakes.
By now, this girl better not even be on your radar. If she is, you may as well marry her, because she must be head-over-heels in love with you.
Your Mommy, who would NEVER act like that girl
I’m being vulnerable by sharing the embarrassment of my naive actions as college Freshman! Thank goodness Bryan was a nice guy!
Now it’s your turn! Comment below to tell me your dating stories (appropriate, of course!) and any dating advice you plan to give your child.